“Hey, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming out. Yep, it's a vintage 1969 Camaro, though not a whole lot on it is original, as you can see... but it's not tricked out, either. Well, it does make it a lot more reliable this way. Yeah, the paint is fairly new. Thanks, we... uh... I thought it was a nice color, not something you see every day. The dark blue is nice, but the metallic highlights and the white stripe really make it pop, especially on a sunny day.
“Sure, feel free to look around under the hood. You can see a lot of the parts have been replaced fairly recently. No, nothing's been giving me issues right now. I usually have a pretty good idea when something's about to go out, so I haven't had any problems keeping 'er... er... it on the road. Small block V-8, and I think the oil pan and seals were replaced by the previous owner. It doesn't have any significant leaks. No, it's got manual steering. Yep. New alternator, upgraded carburetor, and relatively new wires and hoses. You can see the radio is new, though I managed to keep most of the trim correct. The battery is about a year old.
“The radiator is probably one of the older parts, but it was replaced by the previous owner and I've been fairly good about flushing the coolant every year. No, I haven't had any problems with overheating, even during the summer here. Also, I made a trip to Arizona last year and didn't have any problems with it.
“Yeah, the tires are not new, but they're still pretty good. Let's see, I think I replaced them... yeah, around five thousand miles ago, last spring. No, I did all four at the same time--the wear patterns were surprisingly even. Yeah, the spare, too. The suspension I redid about three years ago, right after I got it.
“Yeah, I have put a lot of work into it. Yeah, I'm aware the asking price is pretty low. No, there's nothing seriously wrong with it mechanically. No, the transmission seems all right. Sure, hop in and let's go through the gears.”
...
“What? Oh, yeah, it is pretty smooth.
“What? Say again? Oh, yeah, the steering is all right. I haven't had any problems.
“What? Hold on... okay. Could you repeat that? Oh, right. The exhaust is also fairly new. Yeah, it's quieter than you might expect.
“You're right, it's got a pretty decent pickup on the highway. It's a four-speed, but the gearing is pretty nice.”
...
“So how did you like it? Yeah, she... uh... it's pretty solid. No, really, it's not that low of an asking price. I... just... I just need to get it off my hands, is all. No, I've got the title. You can see the date on it. No, no liens or anything like that.
“You really wanna know? I don't think you're going to believe me, though.
“Fine. What do I care, at this point? I'll tell you something that the previous owner didn't tell me. Whether you believe me or not is up to you.
“This car is alive. Get that grin off your face, I'm serious.
“No, not haunted. Alive. No, it doesn't turn the steering wheel or goose the throttle or anything like that. No, the hood stays up when I put it up. It's never tried to hurt me.
“But it talks to me. A lot. Pretty much all the time, in fact. No, not audibly, it's like... a voice in my head. It started maybe... a week after I bought it? Yeah, I was driving and suddenly I heard a voice tell me to replace the suspension. I thought I was going crazy. But it kept repeating itself whenever I was driving, so one day I put it up on jackstands and checked out the suspension, and, by God, it was about ready to go out on me. So I fixed it.
“And then, a few weeks later, I heard it again. It told me to check out the carburetor, again and again. And when I opened it up, it was just as the voice told me. After that, it got more frequent. And... uh... more opinionated. And sometimes I started to hear it when I wasn't driving. It got irritated at me whenever I called it 'her.' It started actually talking to me, more and more.
“At first, I was scared to death, that either I was crazy, or something horrible would happen to me, but at the same time, I half didn't believe it. As time went on, I noticed that it had never gotten really mad at me, or told me a lie. Honestly, I started to like it a bit. And when I asked, it told me it couldn't affect its own controls in any way. I was hesitant to believe it, but it seems to be true. It's weird... it doesn't have the same sense of self that you or I do. I guess it's never been able to control itself, so maybe it doesn't miss it? That's my best guess.
“Yeah, the paint job was its idea. Yeah, it still tells me when parts are going out. That's why it's in such good shape. No, that part isn't the problem.
“The problem is that the voice has gotten more and more constant since then. And now I can't listen to music in the car without a tone-deaf voice in my head singing along. And God forbid I try listening to a podcast. It's like a conversation inside my head, questions and answers and opinions all in a big mess and I can hardly keep my attention on the road. And I can even hear it when it's not running these days. It's been complaining that my garage is too dark, too dirty, and too cluttered. What am I supposed to do about that? When I try to ignore it, it just gets louder and more insistent. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to put a brick on the gas pedal and run it off a cliff, or into a tree. Hell, maybe I am crazy and getting it out of my garage won't fix anything.
“No, even now it's not mad. It's funny--I guess it's used to changing who it talks to every now and again. Maybe it doesn't see us as very different? The way you had an idea what to expect when you saw a listing for a '69 Camaro, maybe it sees one owner as much the same as another. I don't know.
“I can see it in your eyes, you're still doubting me. It's fine. You can believe me, or not. All I wanna know is, are you gonna buy it? No, I'm not interested in a low-ball offer, I've already lowered the price enough. Maybe I am crazy, but I'm not stupid. Yeah, I prefer cash. No, I have someone else who's going to show up in half an hour if I haven't sold it. I showed you the title earlier. Let's see, I've got a bill of sale, too.
“Let me count that... and yeah... it looks like it's all there. Here's the paperwork. Sign here. And here. And date here. It's yours.
“No... wait... she's yours. Ha! It's gone! Finally, it's gone! All right, I'm getting out of here before you change your mind. No refunds. And no, I don't live at the address on the title anymore.”
# # #
This little piece of flash fiction was something I came up with on a bit of a whim. It's kind of like an inverted version of those stories where the car is alive, and it's murderous, or it seduces its owners, or whatever. This one just chatters annoyingly, but the upside is that it'll tell you what parts need to be replaced.
Kind of a silly idea, yeah, but there it is!
If you like flash fiction, it's something I do occasionally but not too often. You might like this list of other flash fiction by me, or you might check out some of my longer short stories, both of which are available free here.
Thanks for reading!
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