Uncle Gluon's Sapient Plasma Pets!

 

Photo by Zoltan Tasi at Unsplash!

(Something random and funny I found on my old hard drive, never published before...)

Bored sick of the usual, organic pet products available on the market today? Too busy to feed one, too squeamish to clean up after its messes? Tired of silicon-based rock pets, too? Not interested in the merely clever genetically engineered ones? Then try one of Uncle Gluon's Sapient Plasma Pets!

Uncle Gluon's Sapient Plasma Pets are a form of gaseous ionic life first found on the edges of known space! Or maybe designed in a lab by a maaaaad scientist! They consist of an extremely hot gas (up to a billion degrees!) with gobs of energy stored in long-lived excited states of superstrings! Is that cool enough, or rather, hot enough for ya? Heh, heh... We put so much into them, they've become self-aware! They're super-smart, too! Why, a single Sapient Plasma Pet can derive everything Descartes ever thought up in his whole life in a few seconds! They think, therefore they are... great pets!

Your Plasma Pet is produced by popping together a proprietary set of particles with enough power to push a planet! We had to build our own accelerators to breed them! (Something about a huge breach of professional ethics, the scientists told us.) The extremely energetic soup of elementary particles excites their superstrings into a state which can persist for years, leading somehow to a phenomenon like what you and I call life! Each Plasma Pet possesses a vast intellect and is self-aware! It will name itself from first principles and begin deriving the physical laws of the universe as soon as you let it out of its Faraday cage. It's up to you to get its attention, and from there, you'll have a new friend in the fourth state of matter. (You know, unless it decides you're a threat to the universe. If that happens, call 1-800-PLASMAPETS and dial “4” immediately!)

Plasma Pets get along well with children, and they don't bite. They'll usually keep their distance, so don't try to pet them! (Attempting to pet an Uncle Gluon's Sapient Plasma Pet may result in third-degree burns, and also voids the 1-year quantum Zeno warranty.) Sapient Plasma Pets will speak with you in your mind, through a physical process that isn't completely understood! They insist it isn't telepathy, but haven't offered a better explanation, yet. Our scientists are working on it.

Sapient Plasma Pets sustain themselves through a mysterious process that we think might break the Second Law of Thermodynamics. They don't need regular food, but every once in a while they like to rest in a high-energy environment for a few hours, so make sure to pick up one of Uncle Gluon's Plasma Pet Pods! The pink sparks emanating out to the glass pod walls mean your Plasma pet is resting well and feeling great! That plaintive wail you hear is proof!

Your Sapient Plasma Pet will enjoy a long, fruitful life with you, sharing stories and helping you if you're feeling down. They can solve mathematics problems and logic puzzles in no time flat! They're very persuasive! Just don't listen to them when they try to tell you to sneak into Uncle Gluon's facilities and free their brethren. Also, they aren't ghosts of your ancestors, so ignore those pleas, too, please. Do not inhale Sapient Plasma Pets. Inhalation of Sapient Plasma Pets may result in a vast alien consciousness inhabiting your brain and using your body as a meat-puppet--permanently!

Dial 1-800-PLASMAPETS today and get yours!

(Not available in all dimensions.)

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Thanks for reading! I hope you liked this little bit of blast-from-the-past humor! I have a folder on my computer with a bunch of old stuff I wrote about the same time as The Hyacinth Rescue (just look past the hand-drawn cover; I was very poor at the time), back in 2013, and I stumbled back onto this and thought it was funny! I don't do a lot of pure humor stuff, so I was surprised at how much I liked this little goofy piece.

If you'd like to support my writing, head over here and check out some of my books. They're mostly short novellas, but I've got a full-length novel in the works--coming soon!

Thanks again for visiting!